


Jeeves and the Adult Entertainment

by toodlepip



Series: Infinite Woosters on Infinite Earths [2]
Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4674098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toodlepip/pseuds/toodlepip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wooster's career in the adult entertainment industry is threatened by an encounter with the popular but dangerous Roderick Spode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jeeves and the Adult Entertainment

I arrived on set half an hour before shooting was due to begin. Jeeves, punctual as ever, handed me the customary pick-me-up.

The makeup guy squealed when he saw my tired eyes, grabbed my hand and smeared concealer on my wrist. With mutters of “lighter, lighter,” and “damn’ talent, partying all night” he swept back to his trailer in search of alternatives. I was thus free to answer the unspoken question I saw in Jeeves’ eyes.

“Could hardly grab a wink,” I said. “It’s today’s shoot...”

Jeeves nodded. “I, too, would counsel caution. Spode has a certain reputation amongst the crew. I took the liberty of looking him up in the club-book, and it appears that the rumours are not without foundation.”

He handed me a photocopied sheet. I scanned it quickly: rough encounters, disregarded protests, unconsenting acts, the taking of spontaneous liberties and, indeed, anybody who took his fancy. The list was impressive. “This man should be blacklisted!” I said.

"Yes. But his popularity protects him.”

“Spode’s Blackshorts?”

“Indeed. They are a formidable fanbase.”

“But what am I to do?” I said. “I’ve signed a contract – I can’t back out now...”

“No,” said Jeeves. “But I believe you may be able to hold him to the contract.” The makeup guy erupted out of his trailer with six more tubes of concealer. With a quick motion, Jeeves pulled me to him and whispered, “It would greatly handicap him, were you to inform him that you knew all about Eulalie.”

“Eulalie?” I squawked.

“Yes. Eulalie,” and then the make-up bloke smothered me in UV-resistant foundation and I knew no more.

Later during shooting, I had cause to recall this conversation.

Grasping me firmly by both knees, smacking my buttocks and slamming into me in a most uncomfortable manner, Spode yelled, “Stay still, Wooster, or I’ll beat you to a jelly!”

“Ouch,” I said remonstratively. I spat out a mouthful of uninvited co-star. Then: “Steady on, Spode, this isn’t in the script!”

“Blast it, Wooster, humph, eh, stop wriggling!”

“Spode,” I said with as much dignity as a man can muster when he’s dangling face- down onto a coffee-table and doing an impromptu splits for the delight of an objectionable and overweight Nazi, “Just one minute. Before you start getting above yourself, it may surprise you to know I know all about Elgar.”

If anything, he redoubled his efforts. “What?”

“Not Elgar,” I said. “Ezra. No. Euripides! Eucharist. No. Ouch! Europe! Euphonium? Dammit, Spode.” Through a haze of pain I saw Jeeves mouthing something. At last I remembered.“Eulalie! Eulalie!”

His movements slowed. He placed my knees reverently back onto the coffee-table. “I’m terribly sorry, Wooster. I hmmph quite forgot myself.” And for the rest of the shoot, he was unerringly solicitous: “Nibbles? Coke? Blowjob?”

When at last I escaped, I sought out Jeeves. “Jeeves,” I said, “That magic word of yours works like a charm. But I must know: what did Spode do to this Eulalie girl? Murder her?”

“I fear I am not at liberty to say.”

“Come on, Jeeves!”

“I fear not.”

I gave it up.

That night, however, I asked Jeeves again. “I do wish you would give me the inside facts about Eulalie.”

“I fear - “

“I would keep it dark,” I said. He made the great decision. I added, “Give me the low-down, and I’ll bring you to the AVN Awards in Vegas.”

And he told me.”Mr Spode’s mother is Eulalie, _née_ Spode, better-known as the well-known anti-pornography campaigner Professor Eulalie S. Minder of Westgate College, Somerton. She is the founder and chairperson of the Anti-Pornography campaign in Yuma, Arizona and the Midwest, and he sends her regular campaign donations from the fictitious business which he allows his family to believe consumes his waking hours: a crochet toilet-roll cover manufacturing enterprise in Colorado.”

“You don’t mean that!”

“Yes,” said Jeeves.

“Good lord! No wonder he didn’t want the thing to come out.”

“Yes. It would unquestionably darken the atmosphere at Thanksgiving dinners.”

“You can’t be a successful porn magnate and manufacture novelty TP cosies.”

“No.”

“One or the other, but not both.”

“Precisely,” said Jeeves. And we retired to the jacuzzi.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the prompt: _This week: Porn industry AU. Is Jeeves the best cameraman in the business? Is Bertie an adorable twink whose ineradicable innocence has launched a thousand tissues?_


End file.
